This chapter after read upon read gave way to the truth in me that this blog is my journey into myself. A sharing of my experience not to “thrust it upon others” but to share. I have sat in this nest of mine for almost a year now, consciously and unconsciously trying to find the reason Bobby left and I just watched it unfold. I can no longer look for the answers in the gone Bobby. The answers for me are here with me in my nest, within me. I watched the demise of the physical relationship believing deep within me that communicating my feelings would do more harm than him leaving. Problem is that I still have to deal with my feelings and the person who could have helped me get them to the surface quicker is gone. I now can see that he was a mirror into my mind and I watched him leave because I was afraid of what I was seeing. Until I face myself, the ghost remains.
Ferrini says that we are all good. The bad we think we see is really fear within ourselves, our own thoughts. This world is built on those thoughts both good and bad, judgments, conditions, validations, etc. We created the good vs. the bad. To God there are no opposites only to us. I guess maybe when Adam and Eve took that bite of the apple they all of a sudden realized that they had the creative gene and if I had been Eve I think my first thought having taken something that I wasn’t ready for would have been what if I cannot do this? Had they waited until the time when God would have given them this gift they would have known that they were created in His image and therefore not able to not do this. But stumbling into it with their immature creative side, they were scared. Immediately the computer thinking brain set up a scale for them to create with and poof!!! Judgment, right and wrong, valid and invalid was made and they stood naked. From that moment on we became makers not creators and the world as we know it was made. God in his all knowing knew we have to learn our way back home. This earth is our school. We make our lessons and He give us the answers to return to Him if we listen or we mutter through one lesson after another trying to find that A on a scale made out of the original fear.
So what is my lesson with Bobby? I’m sure there are many to be unearthed. The one I got this chapter was that we are both good. There is nothing to find in going over the time we were together to pin this on either one of us. I will not find the lesson I am here to answer by trying to figure out why he left me. My answer lies in why I didn’t express my feeling when he was here. What buttons he pushed in my mind that scared me to avoid intimacy and back away from him. What was that fear? That I am not good enough; smart enough; lovable… All the lies that keep the scale leaning away from making me good. The scale made by us to help us create as God and ended up getting us here making a world that separates us from each other and our God. It’s time to accept our goodness. Our thinking is in error.
Pollyanna gets a heads up and the devil walks away.
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