Food porn. I belong to a prayer group and one of the lessons suggested substituting porn for addiction. This opened a door for me. Porn suggests godlessness. Addiction needs God’s help. Porn is taking an addiction and not only blocking the healing but going into the darkness. The moment I said “food porn”, a door opened. I realized that I have been blocking the love that I was trying so hard to give to myself. My eating no longer was seen as an attempt to abuse my body but to love it. I remembered my first moments after birth- discomfort, cold, warmth and FOOD. I remembered those evenings in the past when the family sat in front of the tv with a large bowl of ice cream to watch “Lassie” on Sunday night. In an instant, curling up on the couch with a bowl of sugar coated popcorn was seen as a way I was trying so hard to love myself. Of course I immediately wished the large bowl of ice cream during the “Lassie” watching had been a healthy bowl of veggies, but it wasn’t and the sugar/ carb combination was engraved as love food. Now I know better. At least in my head I get that healthy eating means healthy body but in my wiring love will always be those few moments in this world that I first experienced and the warm and food. The foods bringing back that experience were the ones that now are known to be the least healthy for that body. Last night when I en joyed the sweet popcorn I loved me. I am learning to consciously love myself. Porn doesn’t survive in consciousness. I’m letting God into my thoughts and to clean out the crud so to speak. I believe that although I will always be addicted to love through food I will learn to love myself in a healthy way with foods that not only love for the moment but love continuously. The porn side of the addiction will give way to a high to love myself with good quality. Open the door. He is the doorway to change.
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